Battling postpartum depression
This photo was taken after having a huge meltdown but pulling myself together to care for my son. (Yikes). I have been battling postpartum depression for what seems like before I even "gave birth".
The moment I knew I was going to have a C section it broke me. I don't know anyone who pictures their first birth to be surgical. Although, I obviously know it was not my fault I felt already like I failed as a mother who can't do the first step into motherhood.
I thought about all the things I'd miss like my water breaking and feeling my first contractions. It's a fucking slap in the face when people who knew (we kept it to a very minimum of people we told due to how I was feeling about my cesarean) and told me how "easy" it'll be and how "lucky" I am to deliver that way.
To anyone who has had a cesarean knows it is nothing easy or lucky. It wasn't easy staying in the hospital bed for four days. It wasn't easy staying on the couch for two weeks dreading to move because of how painful it all was. It's major surgery!
My stomach was cut right to left, my muscles were cut open and sewed back together. So please, in the future, when someone is or has had a c section never once mention how "easy" YOU THINK IT IS FOR US TO GO THROUGH. I spoke up about my cesarean because I assume that's what welcomed my PPD in the first place but truly I wouldn't know. It's normal though and I'm openly posting about it (finally) because nobody talks about their PPD.
Nobody talks about how hard motherhood is. They only speak up about the cute "omg it's so hard, my house is a mess lol". I was at a friend's party not too long ago and when they asked how it's going I burst into tears. Because it's hard. I feel like a horrible mother for having depression but I shouldn't because so many other women deal with this also. It's tough and ugly.
I have this beautiful, perfect baby that I love more than anything and I'm miss out on enjoying it to the fullest because I have a dark patch over my heart and soul from PPD.
Some days it's not that bad. Some days I strive! But what seems like my one good day always took two bad days. It's still something I'm battling and other moms might be too.
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