My child is so defensive!
I have heard this very statement a lot over my years of working with children and it came up for a few of my clients this week.
“My child has no patience”
“He can’t handle making a mistake”
“She flies off the handle when I ask her not to do something”
These are our kiddos that struggle with failure and have a serious discomfort with feelings of disappointment.
What is defensiveness and blame? It is the discharge of discomfort & pain.
“How do I teach him that it’s okay to make mistakes? Or that it’s my job to correct her?” are questions I hear all the time and hopefully this post will help give you some perspective.
So here’s what I want you to know. You don’t have to teach them anything. You just have to show them that their emotions are normal and you believe in them.
All these behaviors come from fear.
And fear is an uncomfortable emotion to feel, but it is normal.
We all have fears. We all have different fears.
It doesn’t mean that we give up, throw in the towel, and live in misery.
Feeling fear is part of the process.
Life is 50/50
And that’s what we want for our children, for struggles, for suffering, for sadness, and frustration, and anger, to be normal, to feel safe, not fun, but safe.
When we feel fear (anxiety, worry, nervousness) it means nothing about us.
It doesn’t mean we aren’t smart. It doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong. It doesn’t mean we aren’t a good person.
And it doesn’t mean we need to be rescued.
In order for your child to be self-confident, believe they are capable, and trust themselves, they need YOU to believe it first.
Stay curious, stay empathetic, and trust that the emotion will pass.
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