Learn to stay calm
This means when things are difficult we stay really calm, because that’s what we want for our kids right? I hear things like: Use your words, tell me why you’re upset, take deep breathes, calm down, go to your room and calm down and then you can come talk to us.
Try telling that to a raging parent who’s child has told them no for the 5th time in a row. Likely they are far beyond the ability to “use their words”. Yet we expect our kids at 4, 7 even 13 years old to evaluate their emotional state, decide what the problem is and then calmly tell us so we can fix it. Not going to happen.
The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until our 20’s and the ability to name feelings well...I am not sure many adults can even complete such an emotional task. That takes divine emotional intelligence which I’m not sure many of us have. So, what do we do?
We learn to stay calm, by walking away if we have to, breathing deeply, using a mantra, exercising, eating well, sleeping, working on our childhood hurts and viewing our child’s behavior as just feelings and disconnection. If we can come with calm we are modeling how we want our child to be in the future. They certainly won’t do it today or tomorrow but I’ll say this.
My 10 year old gives my 13 year old a hug each time she’s having a hard time and it melts her sister’s heart, mine too. She’s learned to be kind in those moments watching me. Well mostly, except when I lose my mind. So now I see it full circle. People say it’s difficult, hell yeah its difficult. We probably didn’t have self regulating parents so how can we know what to do? We must make it our mission and practice and not give up because it’s hard. You can change your behavior. Seek help if you need to, learn new tools and change your family dynamic. ♥️
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