Self hate is the absolute worse hate there is.
Self hate is the absolute worse hate there is, for me it spiraled into a black hole that led to depression. Without me even realising it, some of my best moments with my babies were stolen. They napped and I cried about me... They woke up and I hid my feelings and acted happy... They slept and I cried again. There's so much guilt now about how much was genuine from me. I didn't know how to help myself, I didn't want to accept any part of me, not my body or my emotions. The world was my enemy from fear of being judged about what I looked like. I felt the second I was in the presence of anyone, other than my family, that they would truly see how much I hurt and that would make me seem weak. The first image here was never shared when it was first taken for many many reasons. But today I'm sharing it with you, cause today I see now how much I wish I had given myself a lot of grace and self love because deep down I see how so very hard I've been on myself. And the truth is I remember a few people telling me to stop being so hard on myself but in that instant I didn't know any other way expect to be angry at pulling at my belly fat. I wish I had believed in myself more and in others when they told me that I would one day feel like myself again. It's taken me a very very long time to get where I am today and I do feel if I had love myself more my progress of getting here would not have been so difficult.
Every mother's journey is different, special in it's own way. Maybe you are feeling the way I did and if you are, today I need you to know but more importantly I need to remind myself that:
1. You are NOT alone.
2. You are NOT a bad mother.
3. You are NOT a bad partner.
4. You are NOT a bad person.
5. Postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety is NOT the end.
6. Do NOT suffer in silence like I did.
I've been there and I'm here, you can always talk to me without judgement.
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